Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
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If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
What is going on? 😅
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount