Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
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Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”