WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
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[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
“i am a sweet baby”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*