Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
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I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I’m having an out of money experience.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.