“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!