*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
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[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.