[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“