Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
You Might Also Like
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
mood