I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
podcasts
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”