[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
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The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.