Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
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Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Who’s your best friend?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know