Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
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I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”