My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Come back with a warrant
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Thrilling chase underway
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.