My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
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Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
There’s only one good girl here!
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.