Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
went fishing caught a bass
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.