Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.