[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
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Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit