Werent we promised soylent green by now?
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT