Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head