What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano