Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
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torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Twitter is an abusement park.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.