Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
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I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table