HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
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Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.