Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.