I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Goodnight 🐶
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota