‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
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“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
mood
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….