“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
You Might Also Like
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.