Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
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Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
work smarter, not harder
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Sooo many times…..