Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
You Might Also Like
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this