12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.