OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.