I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
You Might Also Like
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.