My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain