*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know