Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood