Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
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PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.