My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
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You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?