A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
You Might Also Like
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
OKAY DAD
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high