So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
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So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
This did not end as expected.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Autocorrect completely socks
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.