I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
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Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*