Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
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I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
thank god
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh