[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
You Might Also Like
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)