Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
pls suprot
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.