Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
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My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads