Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
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You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid