Worst Native American name ever.
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Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
How is it still this week?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.