I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
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This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
accurate
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.