Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis