I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Guy who likes music
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.