A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
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FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.